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TSI: #18 with Big Vito Lograsso, Part 2 The Links - Week Four OTC: 07/25/02 JMO: 19: Wrestling's Temporary Tag Teams Pt. 2 TBR: #31: Rob Van Damnit
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Being Frank: #42: The RAW Fallacy
by: Frank Lee on: 7/30/2002 12:55 pm est “Guess who’s back, back again, Frank Lee’s back, tell a friend…” Da na nut, da da da da da… Hello readers! And welcome for the forty-second time to the only column known as the best “famn damily” column on the net, “Being Frank”. I’m baaaaack. Well, not really. All you regulars know that I’m out the door for the second part of my hiatus in two weeks. Tis a special day for the Frankster, I am now an official part of the NEW Oratory, joining the likes of fellow brethren John C, Jesse Leone, and Stan Lee (brothers don’t shake hands, brothers gotta hug!)?!? Just kiddin’, I’m all caught up on the recent happenings in the Oratory world and it’s nice to see some deservin’ and talented folk around these parts on the main page. Finally. Haha, Marcus, that was directed at you… Well gawd damn, RAW was on tonight. The RAW FALLACY 29 July 02 Ah, after a month of watching wrestling in bars on the East Coast, it sure is nice to be back in front of my own television, in my own chair, with beer in hand that is not $4 a bottle. Ahhh, time for the show… Holy geez! What a lineup just announced! Not only do we have the promised RVD vs. Benoit for the IC Title, we are getting a special treat tonight my friends! The Rock is set to face Ric Flair for the WWE… no wait, it’s a non-title match. Your damn right, I’ll take it! Easy E. is on his way down to the ring. One of these days I am gonna get around to researching the lyrics in his music. Someone email them to me, I know someone out there has taken the time already. Man, Easy is getting’ younger and younger these days, I swear E. had gray hair last time I saw him on Nitro. It’s time to reveal who was in the limo last Thursday! Could it be John C.’s guess of Brock Lesnar? Could it be Mark Price’s gal, Stacy? Could it be Xavier’s biatch, Waranhayyt? No, no. It’s the newly named “Un-Americans”. Oh, I get it. Actually a lot more creative than “anti”. My buck toof friend Test is carrying the same American flag that I protect everyday. He has chosen to carry it upside down. Oh, you can just imagine the irate look on my face towards the asshole that wrote that one up. Hey, I guess they got the job done with that intended gesture, huh? No doubt in my mind that I wanna knock the buck out the Test after seeing that. Lance Storm is listing the American icons of days past, a list filled with drug users, alcoholics, and prostitutes. Sorry Lance, but I’d take any American drug user, alcoholic, or prostitute over Celine Dion or Bryan Adams anyday (blame Canada). It’s time for Christian to chime in with the all too famous question of “why are American children spending all their time sucking porn sites and surfing Big Mac’s?”. Good question. Strange question, but a good question indeed. Marcus, any idea? The sexy boy music hits (and yes, I am still doing the nightly sexy boy dance still for the wife myself in case you were wondering) and HBK has sumptin’ to say. Oh, he’s mad. So mad, that he is gonna once again tease and in-ring return. He wants Triple H but he cannot find him. Test mumbles something about a has been (speak slooooow Test, please). HBK retorts with the all too familiar response of once again reminding the world of what he has done to Canada’s first son, Bret Hart. HBK leaves with the grimace of knowing “he once again took another cheapshot all the while digging up a dead issue that no one wants to remember”. Storm says they will make and impact (players?) tonight. Time for a commercial break, let’s go ahead and count the number of times the trailer for “XXX” comes on tonight, my count is at two already just for this break… We come back and we are backstage, Eric Bischoff is shown talking with Eddie Guerrero in a blown promo that started before the commercial break was over. He tells Guerrero to do his best because tonight is his night, Chyna is returning. An arena security guard comes up and tells Bischoff that a woman in a limo is in the parking lot wanting to talk to him. Bischoff tells the security guard to tell that bitch, um wait, Bischoff then says he will go outside and confront her himself instead. See, Chyna is coming back tonight. Booker T vs. Eddie Guerrero Great match! Eddie goes for the classic heel move of removing the turnbuckle padding, the ref plays dumb, Eddie pays dearly for those same sneaky, dastardly tactics, and Booker hits the Fame-asser for the victory. Wait, wait, not done yet, gotta have a “Spin-aroonie” (and I’m still wondering what fat ass former WCW commentator, Mark Madden, says to himself every time he hears that word). Winner: Booker T Easy E. makes his way to the limo expecting to find Stephanie, instead he finds the original divas themselves, Moolah and Mae. Mae still looking good by the way, must be a wonderbra she is wearing because they weren’t that scrumptious last time I seen her. Moolah has got a new book that is guaranteed on par with any Foley text, can’t wait to get my hands on that one… The left one. No, the right one. God, they is just too hot. Not sure really which one I’d get my hands on first. Sadly, Eric tells them to leave. Commercial break. “XXX” count: 3. HBK is in the back looking for Trips. First place any reasonable person would look? Booker T.’s locker room of course, right? Uh, okay. Time to mend the HBK-Booker issue. Hold on. Wait. Almost. Yup. All mended. It was all about “business”. Phew! I was worried for a second there that they were gonna go at it. Goldust gets his Monday night thirty seconds of airtime and we are off to ringside for another match! Bubba Ray Dudley & Trish Stratus vs. Big Show & Molly Holly Trish and Bubba are out for a little intergender tag team affair. Molly makes her way down (oh my is her ass getting bigger or what?) to inform us that Steven Regal (we can say Steven now that Austin is gone right?) has a muscle pull or was pulling his muscle or something like that, and cannot compete tonight. A suitable replacement? The crowd favorite, The Big Show. Back and forth, back and forth, major excitement. A little dancing, a little wrestling, oh the comedy of a Bubba match. Trish hits the top rope clothesline and we have a winner…s. Winners: Bubba Ray Dudley & Trish Stratus Big Show is mad. He is picks up a table all by himself and puts it in the ring. He strong. Coordinated too, did you see him open those table legs in one swift motion. Damn. Looks like Trish is going through the table, oh wait, Bubba gives a thunderous chairshot to the ass of the Big Show which sends him reeling into the corner in excruciating pain. Oowwww! Bubba and Trish head for the back. Big Show is really, and I mean really mad now. We go to another action packed commercial break that asks the enigmatic question of “Can you hear me now?” Commercial break over? “Good”. “XXX” count: 5. Shawn is still looking for Triple H. Man, he is hard to find. Big Show comes a cryin’ about the chair shot to his ass, Shawn does not wanna hear it. Big Show says he is gonna make sure Shawn has time later. Scary! Ric Flair is talking to Jeff Hardy. Flair just can’t understand why Jeff risks his life each week. Is it really all for ratings? Is Jeff really extremely crazy? I don’t think we will ever know the answer to that one. Easy enters the scene and professes his love for the green haired one, only to be attacked by the gorgeous one, Mae. Eric runs in an attempt to evade the kisses of Mae. He’s gay. Known it all along. What man in their right mind would turn down making out with Mae? Commercial break. “XXX” count: 15 Time for a hardcore title match… Bradshaw vs. Jeff Hardy Trashcans, trashcan lids, steel steps? Does it get anymore hardcore than this? Damn. Oh shit. Ladder! Jeff hits that bomb thingy and we have a new Hardcore Champion (in his homestate, who woulda thunk it?) Winner & NEW Hardcore Champion: Jeff Hardy Johnny The Bull hits the ring and takes out Jeff with a big spinebuster. The Bull goes for the pin and we have another new champion. Winner & NEW Hardcore Champion: Johnny The Bull Tommy Dreamer hits the ring (I’m out of breath panting at this point from the excitement) with a singapore cane and nails Johnny with it. Tommy goes for the cover and we have yet another Hardcore champion. Winner & NEW Hardcore Champion: Tommy Dreamer Tommy Dreamer takes the Hardcore Title and leaves through the crowd. Bradshaw yells at Dreamer from the ring. Oh my, stop with the excitement. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever think three Hardcore title changes in one night. Stop, please. I need a commercial break. Eh, “XXX”! Damn, haven’t seen this trailer yet? “XXX” count: 16. We are back and I am calm now. Time to heat it up again, its IC Title time… Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Chris Benoit Holy good god. The real Benoit is back and I can’t tell if he was even actually gone or if he was here all along and I just missed him. Damn fine match, back and forth, forth and back, great psychology between the two, I am looking forward to a rematch please. Too much to cover here. Ah, just what I needed. Winner & NEW Intercontinental Champion: Chris Benoit Commercial break. “XXX” trailer count: 41 Shawn Michaels tells a security guard to let him know when Triple H arrives at the arena as the Big Show looms in the backdrop. Hmm, innocent enough. Easy E. is at the announce table to introduce Moolah and her new book. Moolah and Mae Young come out and enter the ring. Moolah bores Eric with her stories, Mae and Moolah argue (catfight!) and here come the Islanders, introduced by Eric as “KC & JoJo”. Isn’t there a R&B group of the same name? Hmm. KC (and JoJo) wreak havoc on the buxom babes, slamming and splashing their way to stardom. Oh my that ugly. I wonder which of the four in the ring have the saggiest breasts? Definitely not Mae, she’s as perk as an eighteen year old. Shut up. Need time to recover from that one. What better way to recover than a commercial break featuring Vin Diesel’s new movie, “XXX”? Seen the preview yet? It looks swell. “XXX” count: 69. The paramedics are removing the seemingly dead Mae Young from the ring (why not just put her in a casket instead and save time). Eric is in the ring saying something about snapping fingers, the Undertaker’s new theme “Rollin” hits and the fans are one their feet. Bleh, bleh, bleh, snap you fingers in my yard, bleh, bleh, bleh, here comes Nowinski. Someone has seemed to have forgotten to tell Ross that he is not going by the name “Chris Harvard” anymore. Impromptu match, “The American Bad Ass” versus “a younger looking Jean Paul Levesque”. The Undertaker vs. Christopher Nowinski Punch, punch, kick, kick, last ride. Winner: The Undertaker The Un-Americans hit the ring and it looks like we’ll be setting up their first RAW feud. UT gets punked, gets the big boot, and the Un-Americans leave with my country’s flag still upside down, pissing me off even further. Screw it, just go the whole nine yards and burn it next time, why dontcha? Commercial break. The debut of Slamball is on next, sure to be interrupted many a times by Vin Diesel. “XXX” trailer count: 81. The Rock is with The Coach (I still don’t know what team he is head of). Cows. Microphones. Bessy. Anus. Coach is thrown. Flair. Tonight. Lesnar. Summerslam. Rock struts. Back. And forth. Back. And forth. Is cookin’. End promo. Hey, there is Vin Diesel. He plays an undercover agent in this new movie called “XXX”. Cool. “XXX” count: 82. Triple H is headed out to the ring. Damnit Shawn, he’s right there. Trips explains his actions. Shawn is too good to lower himself to being a manager. It was Hunter’s idea all along. Shawn refuses to admit to himself that his days as the showstoppa and icon are over. Trips is the new showstoppa, the new icon. He invites Shawn out to reconsider. But wait. A WWE official notifies Hunter of an altercation in the back. Trips runs frantically and the cameras follow. There in the back, he finds Shawn laying in a bloody mess. Ten college kids are standing over him. No, wait, wrong beating, that was years ago. Shawn is laying and we see the driver’s side window of a car that has a huge hole in it. The hole seems to fit Shawn’s head perfectly. I think we know what happened here. Someone has put Shawn’s head through the glass. Who dunnit? Triple H? The Big Show? Booker? Marty Jannetty? Sad, just sad. To see a superstar taken out in such a despicable manner. I hope he is okay. My gut says it was Marty, but I’m gonna go with Triple H in the end after weeks of thinking it was The Big Show. I need a commercial break to think about this… Final “XXX” trailer count: 92. Can’t wait to see this movie!!!! We come back and a beaten Shawn is being loaded into a hearse. Is he dead? Easy thinks Hunter did it. Easy gets a “bleep you” from Hunter for thinking that. Oh no. Not “bleep you”. Them be fightin’ words. It’s main event time! The Rock vs. Ric Flair Ya know, you can just see Flair trying. Trying very hard to recapture something. Not sure if it was the time allotted or what, even though it was a great moment seeing these two in the ring going at it, the match in itself was just terrible. Either way, I’d take it any day of the week. The match concludes with a Rock springboard into the Rock Bottom. Flair gets pinned and the torch continues to be passed. Winner: The Rock The Rock and Flair shake hands. Ross can’t remember the last time we had a respectable main event. Me neither. Rock leaves and its time for Flair to make a special announcement. Retirement, right? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Break the Walls Downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Y2J’s (is it the millennium yet?) music and montage hit and we are all stunned. Well, not I, I read the spoilers because I have no will power. But anywho, Jericho makes his RAW re-debut with a chair shot to the head of the legend of legends, Ric Flair. The show is over, the crowd goes home happy. Well, maybe more entertained than happy. Great, great show. Nice to see some refreshing changes in the air, something I’ve been quietly saying to myself in my absence only to come back and see that you all are saying the same. I am actually a bit hyped about Summerslam at this point, something I have not felt since Summerslam ’98 with the whole Austin-Undertaker “Highway To Hell” fiasco. Finally, looks like all the prayers that I said before I went to bed each night did not fall on deaf ears. And now, the grades… Eric Bischoff…A+. -God, he makes it look so easy to be hated. Lance Storm & Christian… A-. -Would be higher had they not screwed up the first “Conchairto” Test… B. -I so wanna beat him right now with that flag. Shawn Michaels… B+. -Not really feeling the whole “babyface” thing yet. Let’s move away from the cheapshot, eh, Shawn? Eddie Guerrero… A. -How dependable is Eddie? Damn dependable. Booker T… A. -Short match, but very worthy indeed. Goldust… B-. -Still have not found one thing that he has said in the last six months entertaining. Sorry! Moolah… C. -Gets a bit higher of a grade than usual for selling that move in the turnbuckle. Mae Young… A. -Oh my. Oh my. Did she get a beatin’ or what! Trish… B -Same old, same old. Never thought old could look so good. Bubba… B. -Bubba what has your life become. D-Von, Spike, now Trish? I feel for you. Molly… B. -Nothing too spectacular tonight either. Big Show… B -How many times must we go this route of Show wreaking havoc one week and then being pinned by a low-midcarder the next? Credibility boys, credibility. Jeff Hardy… B+ -The man that I now love to hate, could he be anymore of a spaz during that entrance of his? Bradshaw… B- -Bradshaw, you were on the right track three months ago, now your just another face in the Hardcore race. Johnny The Bull… B- -Hey Johnny! Always a pleasure seeing my old WCW favorites getting a chance. Good luck my friend! Tommy Dreamer… B- -Enjoy the belt for the week you are gonna have it. RVD… A. -I hate RVD matches when he is not facing a Hardy, a Benoit, a Guererro, or a Lesnar. Chris Benoit… A+. -Finally! KC & JoJo… B+. -Them boys got some serious moves! Too bad there is no competition in site and the tag champs are also heels. The Undertaker… B. -So not looking forward to a UT-Test feud. Christopher Nowinski… B-. -Well, he sure can sell, can’t he? The Rock… A+. -I think the boys of the Oratory RAW Review will cover the Rock’s night well enough for me not to say any more about it. Coach… A. -I was soooo thinking Coach was gonna deck Rocky and be the new manager of the Un-Americans, didn’t you? Triple H… N/A. -Still not sure what is going on here. If Hunter did that to Shawn and we are getting the old sinister HHH back than I give him an A with a huge plus beside it. If not, I’m not gonna be happy! Ric Flair… B+. -I’m gonna refrain from commenting on Flair, I love to see him until about, oh, maybe five minutes into any of his matches when it hits me that it may be time to wrap it up. Chris Jericho… A- -RAW IS JERICHO would be cool if we hadn’t heard it before. I’m not sure if the WWE is trying to act like he was never on RAW or what, its very weird how serious they are taking these defections! That is it for this week, Oratory Staff, go ahead and mark me with a total overall score for RAW being a… 9. “Don’t hate me for being frank, its my name and I have no choice” -Frank Lee |
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